It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
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SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?