“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
You Might Also Like
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It’s Dublin.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
when you don’t want to be too vague
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”