“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
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Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
I don’t think I will be asked to make a curry again 🤣🤣🤣
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
5 ways to appear taller
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
jfc Caroline my wife almost saw this
