@NoorShamma

“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.

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@LadyBroseph

*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.

@radtoria

if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free

@AaronFullerton

“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”

@bingowings14

I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.

@girlontapas

One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…

Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.

@notalogin

[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..

@heatherlou_

If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.