Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
You Might Also Like
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Dishonest mechanic?