I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
You Might Also Like
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.