[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
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ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
Life hack
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred