I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
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Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
Gods work.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Spell check is for lasers.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!