Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
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Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
I am having an out of money experience.