I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
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#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.