luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
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Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
Lmaoo 😂
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.