Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
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I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
Never be a pizza!
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.