“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
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Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
Going to church you guys need anything
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
Where is your GOD now????
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…