As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
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5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare