if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
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Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.