I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
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fly smarter, not harder
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
wishing you and yours all the best
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.