“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
You Might Also Like
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.