Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
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If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.