One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
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[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler