I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
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if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
Do not steal food from the science building!
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw