every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
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Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?