Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
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Word.
~ Microsoft.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.