My boss called in sick of me
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breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.