DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
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Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
I’ve been learning to cook.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
black phone good
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who