*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
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DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
having children is a pyramid scheme.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.