[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
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if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
My blood type is b hungry.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?