[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
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me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.