People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
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Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.