“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
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I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.