Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
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I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
it’s a van. how do they not know this
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.