Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
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my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
(yawn)
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“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds