Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
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The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
Guide to being Batman
1 Lose parents. Inherit everything
2 Let people get murdered
3 Never murder the Joker because he’s the best at puns
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
I told some friends yesterday that I was going to make seven-layer magic cookie bars and one of my friends said, “oh I can’t make those bc if I do I will eat them until I’m sick” and privately I was like haha well that will not happen unto ME and now it is today and guess what
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
My ducks may not be in a row, but at least they’re having fun. Your ducks probably hate you for making them line up like that.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
I forgot that Tesco opens later on a Sunday and now I’m queuing outside like they’ve released a new tomato or something.