I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
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oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
I feel seen.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.