[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
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In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.