[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
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[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
I’m not alone. I have ants.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
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me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
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3
4
5
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8
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18
90Me: Nailed it.
Shout out to the racoon or drunk person messing with my trashcans right now. Thank you for laughs, making me feel more sober than I am, and making me double check my doors are locked.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
The fall of Netflix
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Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”