Shout out to the racoon or drunk person messing with my trashcans right now. Thank you for laughs, making me feel more sober than I am, and making me double check my doors are locked.
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Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
They call it a coffin because you’re finally coughing up that inheritance, grandma
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.