While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
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God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
A bridesmaid, but to carry the end of my CVS receipt.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
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Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
i really liked this one
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Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
This could be us but you eatin’
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[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.