While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
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Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.