My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
You Might Also Like
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.