Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
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neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
What’s so funny?
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.