[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
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In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER