In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
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Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
sigh
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.