I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
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Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
Sign at work today
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
And they lived apathetically ever after.
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
just make the entire table out of coaster