The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
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911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
Batman v Dracula
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
Someone just threatened to call me later
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand