Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
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when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
No, YOUR illiterate.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
Anyone want a chair?