How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
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me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”