Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
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Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
“A little help here, Danny?”
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.