While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
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Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
❤️🦆
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”