A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
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In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
Me too door. Me too.
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I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”