Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
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Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
Sing it!
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right