“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
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“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them