honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
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I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
this is the best interaction on twitter
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss