Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
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Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out