Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”

ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”

[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*

One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.

We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.

If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”

Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”

Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread

I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.

Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.

By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance

The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.

fireman: where is fire

me: in my heart, i love y-

fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt

Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.

“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”

So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978

Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*

Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.

i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy

There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.

There’s also a horrible time.

Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*

Me: I’m pretty brave.

Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.

Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.

Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.

In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?

I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.

It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.

If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”

If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.

HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker

[texting]

you mean the wolf to me

-wolf?

ha! autocorrect fail!

-lol

what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me

kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?

my four year old: a pizza shop

me: *fills out her application to harvard*

How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7