[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
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My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
An odd boast
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
I really had high hopes for this year though