“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
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All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
shut up and take my money
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
so, is there a mister shapen head
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.